Advice King Says Plant the Autumn Bulbs, Mary Ann

Chris Crofton told a reader named Mary Ann in the U.K. to plant autumn-blooming bulb flowers if it makes her happy. Crofton writes the Advice King column, which he started in 2014 after asking the Nashville Scene for one. He has also released The Advice King Anthology and the Cold Brew Got Me Like podcast, and he posts on Bluesky and Instagram under the handle @thecroftonshow.

The column began as a request for an advice slot. Crofton named himself the Advice King and answers questions sent to bestofbread@gmail.com. Mary Ann's question about whether it is worthwhile to plant autumn-blooming bulbs reached him through that channel.

Crofton's answer moved past gardening. He wrote that rich people 'don't own the world. They only seem to,' and described tax rates, media ownership, and shops replaced by versions that ask for a QR code and an email address to park. He said the remaining employees at such shops get paid peanuts and are justifiably angry about it.

He then returned to the specific question. Crofton wrote that he is not the right person to answer whether planting autumn-blooming bulbs is worthwhile and that a gardening column would be a better fit. He repeated his larger point: plant things, do taekwondo in the park, play the zither, paint the walls of a cave, smoke weed, play cards. He added that a person's favorite thing cannot be a tool used to keep neighbors from doing theirs.

Crofton closed with a short poem titled 'Autumn-Blooming Bulbs.' In it, a speaker realizes they are a bulb, not a lawyer, and resolves to bloom 'wherever, and whenever I please.' Questions for the column go to bestofbread@gmail.com. Crofton can be followed on Bluesky and Instagram at @thecroftonshow.